a motherhood story.

a woman's journey to motherhood and the search to find oneself.

Hello, I'm Emyli (pronounced, Emily.)

I’ve been pretty healthy and active my whole life, but it wasn’t until trying for a baby that I realized this was farther from the truth. My body was communicating all along, and yet, I never listened. I was too busy suppressing my symptoms with distractions, instead of allowing myself to feel what was going on beneath the surface.
By the time I was 35, I had been diagnosed with a myriad of “unexplained” conditions including scoliosis, kikuchi fujimoto, hypothyroidism and endometriosis to name a few. I was told that the chances of having a natural pregnancy, as well as carrying a child to full term was less than 10%. 

For many years, the focus has been on managing my symptoms without ever wondering how these issues truly began. So for the first time in my life, I decided to take my health and wellbeing into my own hands.

We cannot move forward in life unless we look inwards— and in my case, the path to my fertility started with taking a step backward, back to my childhood, where all things began.

A Child Lost
Who was Suzanna wang?

I should begin this story by first telling you that my birth name was Suzanna.

In many ways, changing my name was my initiation into womanhood. My teenage self thought that by doing so, I could erase this part of my life I wish never existed, and finally, I could move on.

In that very moment; not only did I become what the world wanted me to be (rather than choosing myself) I also abandoned my inner wounded child. Everything I did from that point onward, moved me so far from my true self that I had forgotten who I was. 

Yet she remained, in the shadows of the night, haunting me in my dreams… until the day I would finally remember her name.

"Home" never once felt safe.

I was born in the quiet suburbs of London, where I spent most of my childhood.

Growing up as Asian immigrants was challenging, especially because my mother barely spoke English and essentially raised us on her own. Equally distant was my father, whose work kept him away for so long that he became a stranger in our home.

Speaking of “home,” it never once felt safe. The presence of my father triggered fights with my mother, often escalating into violence and abuse. I still vividly remember the haunting echoes of my mother’s anguished cries, the shattering of objects, and the quivering in my body as I desperately begged for it to stop.
Imagine the emotional trauma and the effects this has on a child’s still-developing nervous system, which went on for years.

Instead of being nurtured with a normal and healthy upbringing, my world was severely skewed. Chaos had carved the foundation of my existence, anchoring itself in fear and insecurity, and ultimately shaping the entirety of my identity and self-worth.

By the time my parents divorced, I was already seventeen. Though I felt relieved we could close this chapter and start a new life, their divorce failed to mend my broken childhood. My survival mechanism had evolved into a pursuit of pleasing others while masking my pain. For a while, I held deep resentment toward men. This was a complex emotion for a young girl growing up without a father, especially considering my yearning for their affection and approval at the same time.

The Rabbit Hole, The Door and the Key.
finding my inner child

In 2021, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and hypothyroidism. It was here that I decided to take my health into my own hands by understanding as much as I could about my conditions.

During my research, I felt like Alice in Wonderland diving into my rabbit hole, not knowing what was waiting for me, or what I might discover. I was completely stunned by what I found.

There’s a common thread that ties my conditions together, often overlooked by many doctors. In fact— Endometriosis, Kikuchi Fujimoto, and Hypothyroidism all share a connection with autoimmune dysfunction. This is when the body’s natural defenses- “mistakenly” attacks the body’s healthy tissue.

So why does the body “attack” itself, even when there’s no longer a real threat?

Suddenly, this revelation revealed a door. Behind it were not just a few— but hundreds of studies linking autoimmune dysfunction with….. childhood trauma.

The body “attacks” itself because unresolved trauma of any kind, continues to live on in our bodies today. Even scoliosis (what we think of as a spine deformity) is really an immune and inflammatory response to cumulative emotional stress (also linked with childhood trauma.)

Re-mothering Myself.

The key to understanding our suffering lies in our childhood story.
We are all just wounded children living in adult bodies.

I wanted to show up for myself in ways I never have. For years I’ve spent living a life for others- chasing dreams that kept me so far away from my real self because I felt so unworthy.

I wanted to learn how to re-nurture myself. Not just in the way we nourish our bodies but how we tend to our inner landscape. That my friends, is the real work: choosing yourself. This means doing more of the things that align with your true north, finding ways to reconnect with ourselves, and setting boundaries. It’s about learning to sit and hold ourselves, especially the tender parts that have carried so much.

"In pursuit of becoming a mother, I lost sight of 
the one who needed mothering the most— myself."

The Birth of Maiden to Mother

The sacred rites of passage from maiden to motherhood isn’t so much about conceiving at all— it’s about facing and finding yourself.

Maiden to Motherhood” was cultivating within me long before coming into this world. Through capturing my journey through words and film, I found my inner voice, which has become my greatest source of strength and inspiration. This creative force is my guiding light, leading me toward a deeper understanding of who I am and my place in the world.

I believe that sharing our stories can help us heal, both individually and collectively. I hope that by showing up for myself and sharing my story, we can all move together in our healing.

Thank you for being here.

love, emyli.

"Motherhood is the path to complete surrender. It is about being the love you truly seek, beginning with the ways we mother and nurture ourselves."