a motherhood story.
a woman's journey to motherhood and the search to find oneself.
"Despite the twists and turns of my fertility journey, I've learned that 'conception' is not the ultimate destination; it's only a small part of the process."
Hello, I'm Emyli.THIIS IS MY JOURNEY TO MOTHERHOOD.
Perhaps you’ve found your way here because you’ve felt the calling to motherhood, yet a series of unfortunate circumstances have left you still searching for answers.
That is exactly how I felt following another unsuccessful round of IVF, which led to a miscarriage at 7 weeks.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for nearly three years. I know that this doesn’t seem very long compared to others, but in moments of loss and grief, days can certainly feel like decades.
My journey with IVF & Endometriosis
If you have endometriosis like me, you’ll know that this condition not only impacts egg quality but also significantly reduces the likelihood of conceiving naturally. So the only ‘better’ chance I had at being a mother was through IVF. As you may know, this comes at a great cost and requires just as much patience, resilience, courage, and determination.
Over the past two years, I’ve devoted myself entirely to the process. I showed up to every appointment for all the ultrasounds, bloodwork, biopsies, and meticulously followed a strict diet; alongside a regimen of pills and a plethora of injections. Of course, the physical aspects are but surfaces to the psychological, emotional, and spiritual challenges that unfold within.
I know how it feels to put your heart and soul into creating life, only to be met with a reality of a force that’s far greater than your own. I’ve also been in those places where you begin to ask yourself the kind of questions like, “well, am I good enough?” “am I deserving of this?” “am I meant to be a mother?”
-SRI SATHYA SAI BABA
Healing after Miscarriages
Our latest transfer brought us the closest we’ve ever been to achieving pregnancy.
Although we were so devastated and heartbroken, at the same time, I could feel that an inner wound was opening.
In the pursuit of becoming a mother, I lost sight of the one who needed mothering the most. As I tended to that little girl within, I began to see that my miscarriages were not losses, but messengers. Even in the brief moments of sharing a body, it was as if they had planted a seed within me, and this seed was the beginning of that work: tending to the garden within.
Though we’ve been on this fertility journey for three years, I’ve come to realize that motherhood is a journey that exists beyond the idea of conception. It starts with mothering and nurturing ourselves, and this is where the initiation from maiden to motherhood begins.
“every experience is a lesson. every loss is a gain”
-sri sathya sai baba
For the Wild Woman.
"I cannot be free, while any women is unfree, even if her shackles are different than my own."
AUDRE LORDE
Like many women who’ve become domesticated into the narratives of others, we’ve forgotten the voice of our own cries—a wild and instinctive force that is creative, powerful and divine. We are at a time where we need each other more than ever, to hold space in our hearts, to remind and remember who we are.
I believe that we are all connected in our traumas, and that “we are all walking each other home,” Ram Dass. The journey begins through healing the collective of all wombmen, where we write and move from a place of Wilderness, into Wholeness.
love, emyli